I’ve been feeling a bucket load of emotions lately. Sad, worried, insecure… but most of all I’m frustrated and angry. 

❌ Angry that I have to try so hard to stay in the country
❌ Angry that work keeps piling up no matter how much I get done
❌ Angry that my back and shoulders hurt ALL THE TIME and god why is it so f***ing hard to BREATHE?!

And while it felt easier to be angry at external events, I must acknowledge that this pity party is doing nothing but making me feel worse. Pointing the finger is easy, precisely because taking responsibility and acknowledging the role I have to play in my situation is so hard: 

✅ Yes, in order to stay in the country I have to temporarily put my plans on hold but who says I can’t make the most of it while I’m at it? Besides, I CHOSE TO stay in this country – it’s a decision I consciously took on. 

✅ Yes, work piles up but the problem is not the work per say – I thrive off accomplishments, though I probably shouldn’t, but that’s another story – the problem is that I no longer feel inspired. It’s easy to blame others for my feelings of under-appreciation, but the truth is, I’m not valuing myself enough. My constant second guessing is costing me valuable time and energy – especially when I put in way more effort into tasks that probably don’t matter that much at the end of the day. Yes, I will always try to do my best, but I have to acknowledge that I’m not always going to get it right. Aiming to overachieve by leaps and bounds every single time is bound to lead to burnout. 

✅ Now breaking it all down as above, it’s no wonder my body aches and breathing is hard. I’m constantly working at my desk in a fight-or-flight mode. It doesn’t take a genius to draw the link 🤷🏻‍♀️

I write this not for pity, but to share a very real and personal story on how our perspectives can make a world’s difference. No, I’m not perfect, I still slip up and sulk from time to time. But I’m working on it. It’s painful to admit, but believe me, the pain doesn’t compare to the liberation and personal power that comes with taking responsibility.

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